As is customary on days I wake up and think it’s for the best I do a workout video on YouTube, I sloth out of bed, slowly and unsurely turn my laptop on, plugging my charger in and wait for it to load.
I’m still half asleep, but am in two minds how to approach the task in hand. Should I channel my fatigue into energy and do the video maybe even an extra time? (Doubtful) Or should I just get through it without flopping onto the bed, merely inches from where I intend to ‘workout’?
I press play, and the all too familiar workout superwomen appear on my laptop screen. A recurring question baffles me, and I can’t quite make up my mind: would I be more or less motivated if the women were, well, not a size 6 with perfectly toned abs, tights thighs and non-jelly hips. Because I know I’m meant to think ‘I could look like this if I carry on’ but I just think ‘Wow, how do they hide the expressions of pain and exhaustion?!’…
They don’t wobble like melting jelly on a moving plate, and nor do their faces turn a burning shade of scarlet. Their hair never even fluffs into little baby curls around their forehead. I mean, they all have beads of sweat sliding down their taut necks and chests, but I suppose that’s the sign of a good work out? Surely this can’t all be edited like photos in magazines? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY CAN’T I SEE ANY CELLULITE?
Is there an elite cellulite-free society of girls who are the only ones allowed to be in these hellish videos?
I mean, really- they’re smiling! I am not smiling, let me assure you. No part of this work out is making me smile. In fact, it’s a cringing grimace proliferating across my face. Who are these women? What have they got, coz I want it!
I mean, I have determination and motivation (….most of the time), and I wake up 7am sharp to do these exercise videos, so what am I lacking? Obviously apart from that body.
What makes them so chipper? Is it drugs- are they high? It is the upbeat tempo of the songs used to spur me on? My favourite so far is the remix titled “If you’re sexy and you know it clap your hands”… This is no joke, I assure you.
All I can do is to return to the YouTube hell of online exercise videos, and “Shake, move and work” my way to an apparently ‘hotter bod’. Maybe then my ‘exer-face’ will be as un-fazed as theirs…
I wish I was a workout wonderwoman.